Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
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sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
Worth remembering.
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.