If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
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[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?