[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
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I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.