“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
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Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
Are these grass-fed oranges?
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
How it started How it’s going
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
Canadian owl: Eh?
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.