Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
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Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
why no one uses midhusbands
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.