Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
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Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
[text from wife]
I want a divorceMe: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!![…typing]
Haha, April fools
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
My back has gone out more than I have this year.