“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
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I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*