My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
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Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat:
Cat 911:
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
sin harder.
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
T
h
a
a
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don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..