paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
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Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
Incredible customer service.
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
Matt Goss
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
real
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve