Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
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I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
satan: not today, microsoft teams
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…