I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
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Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
White parent Vs Arab parents
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”