I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
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remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
dude it’s called proctologist
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
I saw nothing
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
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