I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
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I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.