[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
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I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.