coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
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Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
no cat here
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president