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Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me