God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
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Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak