I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
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“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it