Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
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*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”
[armed robbery]
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!