@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
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Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
🌱🌱🌱
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”