Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
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[Pre-School pick up]
Wife: what did you learn today?
Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.
Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.
Daughter: snakes got no legs.
Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.