Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
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A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
Shower sex be like:
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*