No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
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My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice