Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
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Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.