Happy Febuary everyone!
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A roof is a house hat.
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
When you’re here for the treats.
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
UK English: colour, realise, marvellous
US English: color, realize, marvelous
Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.
The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”