Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
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Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
Sometimes I will do a very simple self-care thing like putting lotion on my hands before bed and be like “that was so easy, I will do this every day” and then forget that I even have hands for the next 6 years.
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
Same post same
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???