11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
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I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
A friend sent me this.
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
then why did i get this email
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much