8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
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You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass