Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
You Might Also Like
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
My favorite type of men is ramen.
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.