What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
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i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
Free him
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.