I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
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My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
Ghost costume 😂
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
Wife: I remember your proposal
Me: Oh yeah?
Wife: It was so romantic
Me: It was?
Wife: You put in so much effort
Me:
Wife: That was Steve?
Me: That was Steve
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
I think costco should be the next president of the united states