i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
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listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
Is anyone gonna tell them?
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
“and how does that make you feel?”
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point