When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
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“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
My ideal weight is five million dollars
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney: