[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
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Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
Not today, today.
Not today.