Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
You Might Also Like
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.