Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
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A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
sounds kinky. i’m in.
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
Hmmmmm
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man