“felt cute might delete later lolz”
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“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
LMAO
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
[texting]
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
😂 amazing answer
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat