me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
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Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
Passwords are more important than ever.
[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?[typing ellipses for a solid minute]
HER: yes
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
Software Development ⛵️
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.