me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
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The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
Me: “Hello, I’m here for my interview at IKEA.”
Interviewer: “Come on in! Make a seat!”
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
Bro what is this
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
Spell check is for lasers.
My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”