Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
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I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna