It still works 🤷🏼♀️
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This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.