Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
You Might Also Like
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
I’m about to risk it all
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plotSon: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!
Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol
Son: So is it this switch here or
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
True embarrassment lies within your first email address