pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
You Might Also Like
ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there
KIDNAPPER: shut up
ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?
KIDNAPPER: no, quiet
ME: you should have gagged me
KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out
ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
Good morning.
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October