*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email
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Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us