“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
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Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
#ParentingFacts
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
Cat.
kitchen magnet
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me