Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
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I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized