Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
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It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? Iâm getting it framed
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
Sam canât find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
âI hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversationsâ I said to my fiancĂŠ, a propos of nothing, while en route to a cafĂŠ to enjoy hors dâoeuvre and an apĂŠritif.
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
oh u like history? name everything that happened
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
I ruined my kidâs life today when I said ânoâ so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still ânoâ.
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus đĄ
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
If thereâs a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: thatâs him
Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy theyâre just like, âwhat curse?â and âwhy do you keep angering bog witches??â
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
The first rule of Swim Club is donât talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: youâre telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. donât remember
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*