it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
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i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
Yes officer, I’d like to file a restraining order against my dentist’s appointment reminder system.
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it