that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
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Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
He a real one for that
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.