Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
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I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
Sign of the day..
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!